Years ago, I read Dante’s Inferno. If you aren’t familiar, it’s the story of a man who is led through the 9 circles of hell in order to reach paradise. On his journey he sees the tortured souls of men who lost their way in life. Dante witnesses all sorts of horrors on his journey.
I feel very much like Dante, taking my very own trek through hell in order to get my life back… paradise.
The world around us consists of dark and light at any given time. For me, fear acts as the portal to my own personal underworld. When I research, imagine, catastrophize the possibilities, demons are able to escape from the darkness and take residence in the shadows of my world. They try to scare me, to startle me, to jump out when I am my most vulnerable.
For weeks on end, the fear had somehow suspended me in time. I was immobilized by fear of the unknown. I felt like I if I moved or breathed it would cause a ripple effect and the calm waters around me would become turbulent, revealing the monsters beneath the surface.
What I have learned is that whether or not I am scared, I am taking this journey through hell. The trick is to seek out and remain in the light. I have learned how to transform the fear into fuel and illuminate the path so that I can get through hell and reach paradise. I’ve learned to focus on the people I love and the things that bring me peace, or atleast distraction.
My latest horror has been the surgical implantation of my port. The surgery went well and I’m home and resting. Recovery from this surgery is not the most comfortable. I would imagine that getting shot in the shoulder might feel similar. I attempted to have my biopsy this morning, but the questionable spot is so deep that the ultrasound couldn’t see it, so now I have to have the biopsy guided by MRI instead of ultrasound. More waiting. More pain. More discomfort.
Despite all of that, I will remain strong and continue to fight my way through this hell. I will continue to look to the light and toward all of the things I have to look forward to when I reach my paradise.