For months, I’ve been training and learning about the cancer battle that I will be fighting. I have been crawling on my hands and knees through mud and dirt and blood and fear in preparation for war. I’ve kept my emotions in check and my head on straight through all of this, until yesterday…
Sometimes I forget that my body is still there, functioning normally. I have been so focused on the chemo hit that I will be taking in less than a month and all of the side effects that will ensue as a result. I forget that despite this little cancer faux pas, the rest of my body is still very healthy.
I had been looking forward to this weekend for months. I had my ticket to go see Dave Matthews Band and I have not missed a concert in about 10 years, except for that year that the band took a break. The annual DMB concert is like Christmas to me, so it was high on my priority list that cancer didn’t make me miss it. Cancer can’t have everything.
I must have mentally set up some pretty strong blockades to protect the concert from my life because there was not even a single rain cloud in the sky to cast a dark shadow. I was happy. I was relaxed. I was free. The familiar notes were caught and carried in the soft breeze. They gently brushed my face as I danced and swayed to the music.
If you aren’t familiar with DMB, they have more songs than they know what to do with. There are definite concert favorites that they play often, then there great songs that sometimes get buried under the piles of exciting new songs. It was one of those nights where they dug up and played the songs I needed to hear. The songs that have helped me through this whole ordeal. Songs with words that touch my heart, fears, and faith.
Come sister my brother
Shake up your bones shake up your feet
I’m saying open up
And let the rain come pouring in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you’re dancing on the ground
Don’t think of when you’re gone
Love love what more is there
We need the light of love in here
Don’t beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There are bad times
But that’s ok
Just look for love in it
Don’t burn the day away
Dave Matthews Band, Pig
Well she ran up into the light surprised
Her arms are open
Her mind’s eye is
Seeing things from a
Better side than most can dream
On a clearer road I feel
Oh you could say she’s safe
Whatever tears at her
Whatever holds her down
And if nothing can be done
She’ll make the best of what’s around
Dave Matthews Band, Best of What’s Around
And so, my long awaited night came to an end. I went to bed happy and when I woke up was hit by the PMS bus. The bus was filled with crying for no reason, being disappointed by everything (primarily the fact that the concert was over and now I have nothing else to look forward to), and being irritated at people for sitting or breathing.
It’s funny how you can forget that life goes on and you body still does the things it’s supposed to do, even if it’s under attack. I’m looking forward to my hormones normalizing so I can get my focus back, but for now I’ll do what I would normally do in this situation…