Pain has a sobering quality about it. It rips you from fantasy and grounds you in the present moment. You have no other option but to abandon your fears and distractions and to focus on the somatic.
Sometimes I enjoy the distraction of pain. With pain there is no past, no future, just the present. Cancer robs a person of the ability to live in the moment. Atleast with the pain of surgery and procedures I can escape by focusing on something that I know will pass. I know at some point soon, I will celebrate the sweetness of surpassing these moments of fear or weakness or pain.
This morning (Friday) I woke up to a surprising lack of pain. I lay in bed, building up the courage to sit up and face the pain that should be sitting on my chest from the biopsy. When I finally sat up, it never came. I was comfortable and mobile. Such a relief, considering I was in terrible pain for several days after my first biopsy.
My mom came over and made me Mickey pancakes with strawberries (a childhood favorite). We watched The Little Prince on Netflix and then decided to go and visit my wig. Still a perfect find for an imperfect situation.
While running around and keeping busy I got a phone call from our favorite surgeon. The pathology from my biopsy came back (2 days early). BENIGN!!! Never EVER did I expect him to give me such good news. After we hung up, the combination of shock and relief sent me into a fit of giggles. Sometimes you just need to release to agony. What better way than to laugh?!
So now, the countdown begins. Eleven days until my 30th birthday. Thirteen days until I start chemotherapy. It looks like I will begin this new decade of my life with a bang. This will be the greatest physical challenge I have faced in my life. Harder than a half marathon. Harder than a Spartan race. But I will prevail and the celebration on the other side will be one to be remembered.