Drink Your Poison

There’s nothing more to do. No more tests to wait on. No more procedures to complete. All that’s left is to hurry up and wait for chemo to begin on August 18th. 

Six rounds of Taxotere and Cytoxan to be given every 3 weeks. I should be finished the first week of December. 

I hope that the anticipation is far worse than what’s to come. I feel as though I am hiding from a monster that knows exactly where I am and is waiting for the perfect moment to jump out and get me, but I guess that’s what Xanax is for.

Anyway, here’s what I’ve learned about these drugs…

First of all, Taxotere is a “natural” chemo drug. It comes from the Pacific yew tree. I’m going to pretend that it’s organic chemo. For some reason, it makes me feel a little better.

Taxotere slows or stops cell division, and keeps enzymes from making the proteins that cells need to grow. Cytoxan stops cancer cells from replicating. 

I am armed with an arsenal of medications to ward off the side effects of these highly “stupid drugs”; anti-nausea meds, magic mouthwash for possible mouth sores, vitamins for neuropathy, and all sorts of other drugs. Above all else, it would seem that staying hydrated is the key to warding off much of the misery.

Despite the chemo training I was given and all the research I’ve done on my own, I can’t help but feel like nothing can truly prepare a person for this experience. I feel like I’m being eaten alive by my worries and fears. Will I tolerate the chemo well? What if I have an allergic reaction? How often will I feel sick? How much will this affect my ability to maintain my normal routines? Will I be ok?

I picked my poison and next week I must show up to drink it. Atleast I have the antidote, guaranteed to revive:

Be brave. 

Have faith. 

Trust your instincts.

Stay active and enjoy the endorphins.

Let love in… and heal.


7 thoughts on “Drink Your Poison

  1. It’s easy to succumb to the dread. I feel It as the days go by… Very scary. But, I think you wrote your mantra in those last 5 lines. Very comforting and healing words to repeat over and over and over again. And then, the day will come when treatment will be done and springtime will follow.


  2. No question about it, chemo sucks. You will learn how to best manage the side effects. You MUST take ExLax every single day (already bought some for you)
    I commend your attitude. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and no Sarah, it’s not a freight train. I will be by your side through it all. Imagine that, your own personal cheerleader. There is no where else that I would rather be.


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