Cancer brings with it so many terrible things; fear, surgery, chemo, shots, bills, interruptions, pain…
I didn’t realize that losing my hair would top my list as the very worst part of cancer.
The mass suicide of healthy, growing hair has not yet commenced, but yesterday came a step in the process that I deemed to be very necessary. I sacrificed about a foot of my very long hair in order to donate it before the fallout caused masses of tangled, matted curls.
Years of hair growth, gone in a matter of minutes. I was with my sister so I was happy. I didn’t cry. Instead we laughed about the fact that I have obscenely thick hair and it took her 2 hours to even everything out. It was even funnier to think that before long she would be shaving off that 2 hour haircut.
It took a few hours and a very quick shower to realize that I hate having short hair.
Today I was definitely mourning the loss. I walked around work under a dark cloud with my hair in a very small bun.
I texted my wise friend, Jackie, who reminded me that, “Hair isn’t about hair, it’s about identity. It may help to remember who you are — hair or no hair.”
So, I’m self imposing a little mental exercise. Who am I?… Hair or no hair.
- I have a big open heart.
- I am a highly sensitive person… sensitive to the feelings and emotions of others. Sometimes I take criticism too hard or over analyze situations.
- I am an observer, which people often confuse with shy. I see people and the world around me for the beauty that they hold.
- I’m an optimist.
- I am strong, physically and mentally.
- I am an adventurer. Sometimes I surprise myself with how far I can/will go.
- I love nature and animals. They make me happy.
- I love to help and fix and do good. I love my job and my kids.
- I am creative.
- I am talented.
- I am intelligent.
- I am naive to much of the negative in the world… maybe I do that subconsciously, I don’t know.
That feels better.
Another thing that feels better is seeing myself in my wig. My dream hair wig. It’s exactly what I have always wanted my own hair to look a little more like. A little thinner. A little less crazy. A little bit looser curls.
I feel like me. And so, I’m playing with my fake hair. Trying out a new “beachy wave” scrunching spray. The way I would with my own hair.
I feel better.